Rep. Michele Bachmann’s wacky State of the Union response was rife with problems, from not looking at the right camera to a technical glitch that prevented her speech from being broadcast on the Tea Party Express website, but the first signs of trouble appear to have started hours before.

A little after 6PM last night, the Congresswoman sent out a fundraising email that said her speech would be “broadcast live on CNN, Fox, and CBS News,” which of course was incorrect. Ironically, although it was Fox that operated the pool camera that she failed to look into, CNN was the only network that carried it live, not even Roger Ailes would go there. Btw, here’s what he speech should have looked like. Oh and here’s the fraudulent email:

National:

• President Barack Obama will lay a wreath and say some veteran-y things in Korea. Then he’ll take his pet bald eagle out for bimbimbap. |Washington Post|
• George W. Bush is a successful author. Now the sun will begin revolving around the earth. |WSJ|
• Despite their mutual appreciation for golf, John Boehner and Barack Obama hate each other so bad. The next two years are going to suck, so bad. |WSJ|

• Republican TeaPartista Michele Bachmann is giving up her bid for the #4 position in the House leadership, because you all like Jeb Hensarling better anyway, and nobody understands her advanced ideas, and fuck all of you people. |CBS|

• Oakland, California city councilwoman Jean Quan became the first Asian-American woman to run a major city. At least the Californians appreciate women leaders. |Daily Caller|

• Remember that hypocritical, gay-hating Miss California Carrie Prejean–the one with all the homemade sex vids and nip slip pixs and prissy hissy fits, who aligned herself with conservatives? Well, she’s pregnant now. The wrong people always spawn. |Fox|
• Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank doesn’t like it when Bill O’Reilly talks about beheading him. It’s not nice. |Daily Caller|

• A new report by a Pentagon group says gays could serve in war with minimal risk of incident. Doesn’t someone come out with study results like this every week, or does it just seem that way? |Washington Post|

Metro:

• City officials have absolutely no idea how to save money, so they’re turning to the citizenry. So far, about 2,000 people have recommended ideas; more than half of the responses say, “quit buying stupid shit.” Another 10% say, “go to the store on double-coupon day.” |NYC twitter|

• Don’t you try to tell Charlie the teacup terrier he has to move out, stupid condo board. Charlie’s got lawyers, and they’ll fight you and win. |NY Times|

• “If anybody can find somebody worse than Joel Klein, it’s Michael Bloomberg … I don’t know much about this woman, but I bet she’s going to be awful.” A teacher in Queens responds to the mayor’s choice for chancellor of the schools. |Queens Courier|

• You’re never going to spend that $35,000 stashed in your freezer, collecting frost. Maybe you should give it to the Medgar Evers College Preparatory School marching band, so they can go to Atlanta to compete in a championship. Oh wait, that’s just $3 in your freezer? Well, give it to the band anyway. |Team Tish|

• On his 35th birthday, Michael Rodgers promised to run 35 races in a year to benefit charity, and he’s been doing it. When you’re 35, you should run 35 races and also run for president. |Queens Examiner|

• Everybody’s talking about George W. Bush‘s fetus-jar sibling. But the follow-up question people should be asking is, “where is the fetus now?” Does Barbara Bush bring it out during family get-togethers and set a place for it at the table? |Huffington Post|
• Bush’s successor to the Throne de Tejas, Rick Perry, lied to columnist Dana Milbank about “salt police.” |Washington Post|
• House Dems are squabbling about who will be the minority whip. Steny Hoyer of Maryland has been the majority leader since 2006, but now that current House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is eying that job, Hoyer is planning on moving on down a seat. (Always give up your seat for a lady.) But South Carolinian Jim Clyburn wants to be the whip too, because he just wants to be a somebody. They should all settle the matter by way of a pie-eating contest. |WSJ|
• Speaking of Palmetto state luminaries, O.G. Soulmate Mark Sanford is almost hiking the Appalachian trail for real. |Washington Post|
• “Dear U.S. Congress, you can’t win. LOL. —Sincerely, The Taliban Family.” |Fox|
• Friend of the courts Joe Francis got married. This means you still have a chance. |ONTD|
• Tea Partying House Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) wants to be the House Republican Conference chair. Sure, whatever. But don’t put her in charge of copy-editing, because she can’t tell the difference between “principals” and “principles.” |Bachmann website|
• The Republicans will use redistricting to screw up the country forever. |USA Today|
• Speaking of forever, that’s how long Americans will be unemployed, says Paul Volcker, in so many words. |Huffington Post|
• People want to get rid of GOP Chair Michael Steele so bad, but nobody knows who would replace him. Once again, pie-eating contest to the rescue. |Daily Caller|
• Would-be senator of beards Joe Miller hasn’t given up on that seat yet, because he heard this song on the radio recently. It inspired him, just like it did the first time he heard it. |USA Today|
• Glenn Beck says leftists are planning a violent government overthrow, so board up your windows and stock up on canned goods. Bonus: Watch Beck watch himself on television. Bonus-plus: He also releases some sort of countdown thing. |MMFA|
• “Dirty bomb[s] might not be that bad.” So stop worrying about them before you scare the kids. |Defense Tech|

(Photo: istolethetv/flickr)

Look, anyone who reads ANIMAL knows that we’re no fans of the Golden Twat of American Conservatism, Sarah Palin. However, even we can’t condone anyone throwing two tomatoes at Palin at a book signing in Minnesota, as 33-year-old Jeremy Paul Olson did last night.

I mean, really, one of those tomatoes should have been thrown at Michele Bachmann, who was also in the area. Also, Olson should have practiced his aim before launching his tomato attack, as he wound up hitting two cops instead and has now been charged with assaulting a police officer. Get your shit together dude, Jesus! |Yahoo|

Today the teabagger movement announced, probably on stone tablets, just like Moses delivered the Ten Commandments, that they will be holding the first ever National Tea Party Convention in Nashville this February.

The featured speakers will be the two Golden Twats of American Conservatism, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, whose combined intellect rivals that of a catfish and a Trapper-Keeper. We can’t wait for the plethora of hilarious Youtube videos sure to result from this gathering of intellectual titans. |TPM|

Remember last week when wingnut princess Michele Bachmann led her minions in an anti-health care reform “revolt” on Capitol Hill complete with gigantic Nazi death camp imagery?

Well, the Daily Show last night cold-busted Fox News using footage from another wingnut rally months earlier in their coverage of Bachmann’s rally so as to make it appear that many more “revolutionaries” turned out than actually did.

But really, is anyone surprised?

Of all the photos that I’ve looked at from yesterday’s Michele Bachmann-led wingnut invasion of Capital Hill, this was probably the worst of the worst. Yes, that is an image of the bodies of dead Jews killed by Nazis that was used to make the not-so-subtle insinuation that Obama’s homocommunist health care plan with kill all of America’s God-fearing white people. This + John Boehner mixing up the constitution for the Declaration of Independence + Todd Akin performing an abortion on the Pledge of Allegiance = one great big, gooey oyster of patriotism. YEEHAW FREEDOM! |Image via|

Yesterday on Fox News, America’s other retard wingnut princess, Michele Bachmann, called on all of her fellow tea-bagging wingnuts to scrape up a few pennies from behind the Dorito-stained Lazy-Boy in the double-wide, hop on a Greyhound bus and join her on the steps of the Capital so they could all storm the building and violently force the traitorous pinkos in Congress, aka the new Kremlin, to vote against Obama’s homocommunist health care plan. Bachmann said: “This is the Super Bowl of Freedom this week. Socialized medicine is the crown jewel of socialism. This will change our country forever.”

Well, the “Super Bowl of Retardation,” as Wonkette calls it, went down today, and, of course, utter retardation ensued. Perhaps no one moment from today better captures the stupidity of this “uprising” and the people leading it than the clip below of Rep. Todd Akin. Watch in stunned amazement as Akin delivers a fiery oration on the awesomeness of the Pledge of Allegiance and how the awesome term “under God” is contained within it, only to fuck up his recitation of the Pledge itself when he actually got around to reciting it/performing an abortion on the 31-word poem(?) every red-blooded American second grader can recite in his or her sleep.

GOOD GOD WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS!

A few weeks ago, a freshman congressman from Florida named Alan Grayson burst onto the American political scene when he took to the floor of the House and presented his version of the Republican party’s health care reform plan, which essentially implores Americans to “die quickly” according to Grayson. The video of the speech went viral and then the cable news networks went nuts with it and before you knew it Alan Grayson went from being an obscure politician to a ubiquitous one in the blink of an eye. Since his big coming out party, Grayson, who sort of looks like he could play a Huey Long-esque politician in a Coen Brothers movie, has rarely turned down the opportunity to speak into any microphone thrust into his face, and the things he says into these microphones are getting more and more offensive and downright dumb. He’s on the road to becoming the Democrats version of Michele Bachmann, minus the full retard factor of course, and he should really just shut the fuck up.

Now look, I realize that if there’s one thing this country needs more of, it’s brutally honest politicians, and that’s the singular reason Grayson’s words about the Republican health care plan resonated with me and many others so much…it was brutally, forcefully honest. But it’s just getting to the point now where Grayson’s becoming nothing more than an insult clown who will never be taken seriously, no matter how much truth comes flying out of his mouth, because the manner in which he communicates the points he’s trying to get across is so inflammatory.

Take for instance his recent calling of a chief adviser to Ben Bernanke a “K Street whore” after she criticized his efforts to support a bill that would audit the Federal Reserve. He said:

This lobbyist, this K street whore, is trying to teach me about economics.

Now, whether or not Linda Robertson (that’s the name of the alleged whore for K Street) is an actual K Street whore or not is open for debate, but it’s something that should be debated by, oh, I don’t know, BLOGGERS and radio talk show hosts and not members of Congress. To make matters worse, Grayson yesterday refused to issue an apology on the matter, even after he was pressed hard to do so by members of his own party. A few hours later, someone obviously twisted his arm because he then issued an apology for his use of a word “that is often, and correctly, seen as disrespectful of women.”

When Alan Grayson was elected, his background as an internet mogul (He founded the IDT telecommunications company) led some to believe that he’d be “the first blogger in Congress.” I think he may be taking that label too literally. Alan Grayson is a smart, talented man (He’s also a well-respected attorney with an esteemed history of successful legal activism) with the potential to do great things in Congress, but he’s fucking it all up by acting like a shit-for-brains dunderhead. Please Alan Grayson, leave the political insults to the professionals, okay?

Email Cajun Boy at cajun@animalnewyork.com