Where do the animals come in? Well that’s the really fucking sick part, because it’s only once you’re enjoying a nice jerk that they flash incredibly graphic images of tortured animals before your eyes, completely ruining the experience and causing you to re-think your whole outlook on the improbability of web porn. Luckily for carnivores, at least there’s always PornHub.

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U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has some confiscated animal items for sale. With their Denver warehouse over-stuffed with shrink-wrapped tiger heads, ostrich boots and Siberian weasel fur coats (1.5 million animal products and trinkets in total), the federal agency is hard up for cash and is auctioning off 300,000 illegally-traded items along with their integrity, online.

While, reportedly, no endangered or particularly “crass” items will be sold, PETA points out that peddling poacher-wares will increase their market demand.

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service says that the auction revenue will help fight the illegal trafficking and selling of animal-products. Meanwhile, they’ll be making a profit by doing a little bit of that, legally.

Those Queen’s Guard uniforms look painted on…oh they are! The woman on the left is former Lara Croft video game model Lucy Clarkson, whose chest measures 34DD, according to Wikipedia. Google Image search her if you want to see her breasts sans paint. Clarkson, along with PETA UK campaigners, appeared yesterday on Westminster Bridge to protest the Ministry of Defense’s refusal to switch to synthetic fur for the elite guards’ ceremonial hats. The signs refer to the recent national election which saw David Cameron take over as Prime Minister. Previously, PETA plastered a badly Photoshopped image of a guard wearing a decapitated bear head on the sides of London buses.

In this sensitively-scored video from Paris Fashion Week, designer Karl Lagerfeld discusses Chanel’s new “global cooling” inspired collection and the “triumph of fake fur” as models splish-splash down the runway. Although PETA still refers to him as the “notorious fur pimp,” they did acknowledged his endorsement and quoted him: “You cannot fake chic, but you can be chic in fake fur.”

Fake veggie porn Super Bowl ads. Fake bus beheading exploitation ads. The animals rights group constantly hatches fake concepts that they never intend to buy media for. But even more pathetic than the fake ideas, is their fake earnestness about their fake proposals. And these fake pot smuggling-related billboards aren’t even original.

PETA says they’re dying to erect these fake anti-meat boards along the US-Mexican border, as they’ve illustrated with these bad Photoshop jobs. They would actually sooner rather dine on Tilikum blubber before shelling out the money for this. I’m too lazy and busy to translate the Spanish version. But the Say No To Pot (Roast) line is a rehash (heh) of a PETA ad from 2008.

To protest Canada’s brutal seal hunting policies, a PETA activist from NYC pushed a tofu pie into the face of Oceans and Fisheries Minister Gail Shea at a press conference in Ontario on Monday. The woman was promptly arrested and faces assault charges. Shea shrugged off the incident and said the baby-seal killing fun will proceed.