ANIMAL » POPE BENEDICT XVI

Primate of Italy Claims Jesus Was Responsible for the Big Bang

Bucky Turco — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 20:30:00 +0000

Pope Joey Ratz said that the “universe is not the result of chance” and its formation should be credited to the “creator of heaven and earth.” Is he gearing up for what could be the year that scientists at CERN find the “God particle”?

It’s very possible. The collider is fully operational and researchers have been steadily smashing atoms.

Speaking of which, in case you were wondering why this particle is so important, Live Science explains using an analogy everyone can understand:

Imagine a large room full of people. When a celebrity walks in and tries to make her way to the bar at the other end, she makes slow progress because she is hindered by the crowds around her, all leaning in to catch a better glimpse.

The celebrity would be akin to a massive particle that is dragged down by the Higgs field. Alternately, a lightweight particle would be like an average Joe walking through the room — because the crowd (the field) would take little notice of him, he’d be able to move more freely.

Phallic Sculpture is Too “Obscene” and “Embarassing” for Pope

Marina Galperina — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 15:15:43 +0000

Malta authorities want to take down this colorful road-side erection, lest the Pope get offended. En route to the airport, Unholy Joey is scheduled to pass the public sculpture and citizens want it to be removed “as a sign of respect.” En route, 11 of 25 alleged child abuse case victims in Malta have asked the Pope for a meeting and an apology, but Vatican spokesman said sorry, the Pope’s on “already very tight” schedule.

Meanwhile, Luqa’s mayor agrees with the fretfuls in thinking that a phallus isn’t “the most fitting” greeting for the Pope in “what is considered to be the most Catholic country in the world.” Maltese artist Paul Vella Critien defends his sculpture. It is not a 10 foot tall penis but an avant-garde obelisk:

The mayor knows nothing about fine art, he’s just a man in the street… It certainly wasn’t my intention to make it look like a penis. If I had wanted to create a giant penis, believe me I would have known how to do it.

Well then. Get to it! NuMu could always use more over-sized genital things for ‘Skin Fruit.’ |Telegraph|

Papal Infallibility Negated By Molestation Complicity

Bucky Turco — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 17:25:30 +0000

A brand new sex scandal is in brewing in the Catholic Church and this time its spilling directly into the Vatican with the New York Times reporting that Pope Benedict/then Cardinal Ratzinger was involved in the cover-up of Rev. Lawrence C. Murphy, a serial pedophile and priest, who molested at least 200 deaf boys in Milwaukee. T-w-o h-u-n-d-r-e-d! Instead of dismissing the priest or condemning him to lakes of fire like they currently do homosexuals, the man was quietly transferred and allowed to live out his days in the priesthood as he requested in letters to Ratzinger—at the time he was the guy in Rome handling this stuff. Is there any God-fearing Catholic who really believes that celibacy in the church is still a good thing? |NYT|

German Church Linked To Pope Takes Part In Time Honored Catholic Tradition

Bucky Turco — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 23:13:41 +0000

Can the Vatican please move forward and abolish their pagan-based, celibacy requirement for priests so they’ll stop molesting little boys already? There’s nothing Jewish, Christian, or remotely Jesus-y about it and with the latest child sex abuse scandal to rock the Catholic Church in Germany, it might be something they seriously start considering as hundreds of victims are now coming forward.

This incident is particularly troubling for the papacy, because it has direct links to Pope Benedict and his brother (pictured). Apparently, in the 1980s, they both presided over a monastery and convicted pedophile priest who was transferred after he was caught touching boys and then allowed to work with kids again. Now, once again, he’s one of the central figures in this latest case, which not only only makes the Catholic Church look bad, but evil too.

Vatican Ridiculing Condoms

Bucky Turco — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 18:10:07 +0000

After Pope Benedict XVI actually had the gall to claim that condoms “aggravate” the AIDS problem in Africa, instead of helping it, these prophylactics are perfectly fitting. They depict the ‘Holy Father’ issuing his papal decree: “I SAID NO!” |Visual Culture|

Pope Argues Against Common Sense, Condoms In Africa

Bucky Turco — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 22:32:06 +0000

For an institution that has based its entire existence on lies and deception, it should come as no surprise that the head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, had this to say about combating AIDS in Africa with condoms, claiming it’s “a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems.” |Faded Youth|

The Audacity of Pope

ANIMAL — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:00:17 +0000

“Apostolic Visit to the United States of America and to the Seat of the United Nations,” is the official name of Pope Benedict XVI’s first mission to the United States as Pontiff. From April 15th-20th, the “Primate of Italy” will hold court in Washington, D.C. and New York City. He arrives today at Andrews Air Force Base, but will be officially received by the White House on Wednesday, which should be entertainingly awkward, since the Pope declined an invitation from President Bush for a formal dinner in his honor, despite having a free schedule. On Thursday the 17th, the pope will bless the crowds in front of thousands at the brand new Washington Nationals Park and speak at some Catholic colleges. From there, he’ll head north, for the grimy unblessed landscape of NYC. The Pope will give a speech to the UN on Friday the 18th followed by a big mass at St. Patrick’s on Saturday, of course. On Sunday, he’ll pray for terrorists at Ground Zero and then zip up to the Bronx to help give communion to a flock of 57,000 worshipers in 14 minutes at Yankee Stadium. This will be the third guy with a funny hat to do so: Pope Paul VI was there in 1965 and Pope John Paul II in 1979.

The last time Benedict visited NYC was in 1988, he went by the name of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, lead theologian of Germany and confidant of beloved pope John Paul II. That trip was marred by protests from the Jews over controversial statements he made.
To mark the new Pope’s return, ANIMAL will be unveiling its own, extended coverage of this landmark occasion throughout the week. In addition we’ll have former NY Press editor-in-chief Jeff Koyen on board to help us file exclusive pontifical reports. You may recall, he and the papacy have a history together. Also, ANIMAL commissioned artist Michael Ian Weinfeld to create the “POPE” image you see above. The limited run, popetacular print will be released in editions of 666, signed and numbered. You want one? Find about availability over HERE.