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“Inglorious Basterds” Revealed

admin — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:26:55 +0000

“Fuck you and your jew dogs.” With dialogue like that, it must be “Inglorious Bastards,” aka “Inglorious Basterds,” the not-yet-shot Quentin Tarantino penned and to-be-directed script that makes its online debut here at ANIMAL ~~(PDF doc)~~[UPDATE]. I just got through reading all 165-pages of this World War II-themed wackadoodle tale, and it’s a doozy. Rumors abound it could be a fake, but it sounds like authentic Tarantino to me. One thing’s for sure: Quentin, your spelling is fucking atrocious.
A mix of bloody mayhem-filled scenes and politically incorrect dialogue that takes down whites, blacks, and Jews alike, the ensemble-ish tale sort of follows the highfalutin mission of a group of murderous Jewish-American soldiers who like bashin’ in heads with bats, carving Swastikas in foreheads, and “Killin Nazi’s.”

The screenplay consists of five “chapters”: “Once Upon a Time… Nazi Occupied France,” “Inglorious Basterds,” “German Night in Paris,” “Operation Kino,” and “Revenge of the Giant Face.” It’s not clear what the studio heads currently reading these pages will think when they encounter lines like, “That’s what we need, pigs that can root out jews,” or notes that intone, “WE JUST SEE A SUPER QUICK SHOT OF Goebbels FUCKING Francesca DOGGY STYLE,” but nevertheless there’s something relentless compelling about a Hollywood player who dares to write scenes that end with this kind of reveal: “During her conversation and strudel with the man that exterminated her entire family, shosanna pissed herself.”
On the one hand, “Inglorious Basterds” offers a comedically cartoonish, eye-poppingly surreal micro-vision of a war that never was. At the same time, Tarantino takes on a bigger story–about the relationship between Hollywood and movie stars, heroes and murderers, and what happens to filmmaking in a world where Joseph Goebbels dreams of becoming David O. Selznick. “Inglorious Basterds” is a mess, but nobody can deny the beauty of a war movie that ends in a “literal red rain of legs, arms, heads, torsos, and asses.” -Reverse Cowgirl

Portrait of the Madam as a Meth-Head

admin — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 01:24:32 +0000

You know why I like Heidi Fleiss? Because she doesn’t give a fuck. She pimped whores, turned out Tom Sizemore, and got hooked on crystal. So what’s her next career move? Let some guys make a documentary about her, of course. It’s not like a movie could make her look any worse than she already does. Part of HBO’s documentary film series, “Heidi Fleiss: The Would-Be Madam of Crystal” chronicles her living a new life in Nevada, where she runs a laundromat, tries to open a male brothel that caters to women, and acts like a fucking loon. Apparently, the subject sobered up, metaphorically-speaking, halfway through the making of the movie and ended her participation with the filmmakers. Eventually, though, she granted a final interview in which she equated herself with Alexander the Great: “‘I, too, conquered the world in my twenties – the sex world.’” Congratulations on that, Heidi. Also, the timing is perfect, with word that she’s facing felony drug charges for her love of meth.

Geek Pr0n

admin — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:32:07 +0000

Do you have a thing for Wonder Woman? Does the sight of random chicks dressed up like fairies, fembots, and freaks turn you on? If so, Wonder Women of America is the pr0n for which you have been searching your whole life long. Featuring photos shot at annual dorkfest Comic-Con, the book exposes just how many chicks got all dolled up like a bunch of weirdos for last year’s communing of the nerds in San Diego. Apparently, these ladies of cosplay are acting out their secret fantasies of becoming their favorite characters. “They are average Janes playing masked avengers, ass-kicking mutants and intergalactic princesses… and they come in all ages, shapes and sizes!” I say, if it gets you laid, like, whatever. Check out the slideshow, which includes Lady Pink Darth Vader smoking a fag.

Scary Animations

admin — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 23:30:25 +0000

“Peur[s] du Noir,” or “Fear[s] of the Dark,” is a collection of six black-and-white animated shorts from the strange minds of Charles Burns, Blutch, and Richard McGuire, among others. The stories look like something like “Sin City,” but more darkly animated, and all explore fear in its blackest incarnations, like a lucid dream. By way of example, one of the interwoven tales focuses on “a little girl who appears to be systematically re-induced into a nightmare state by a deranged doctor/therapist, who keeps injecting her when she wakes up in terror, encouraging her to go back into the nightmare and not wake up until she’s seen it all the way through.” David Fincher’s adaptation of Burns’ Black Hole is still in development hell, but a “Fear[s] of the Dark” DVD will be available later this year.

Ashley DuprÃ©’s Vagina

admin — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:37:11 +0000

Have you spent the last several months sitting around and thinking, Hey, I wonder what Ashley DuprÃ©’s vagina looks like? During Spitzergate, were you less interested in whether or not Spitzer would be indicted for having violated the Mann Act and more concerned about what kind of golden vagina the Luv Gov thought was worth losing his job over? Well, today is your lucky day, because today is the day that the King of Filth, Joe Francis, has released a very NSFW trashleydupre.com (stay classy, Joe!), where you can see a then 17-year-old DuprÃ© masturbating for the “Girls Gone Wild” cameras. Last week, America’s Most Famous Hooker dropped a $10 million lawsuit against Francis over the footage, purportedly because she didn’t want to get deposed.

I Love the Smell of Fake Napalm in the Morning

admin — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 22:09:10 +0000

“Full Battle Rattle” is a hilariously devastating look at the insanity of war, by way of a battle reenactment training camp in the Mojave Desert. Documentary directors Tony Gerber and Jesse Moss scored unprecedented access behind the scenes at the Army’s Hollywood set style recreation of an Iraq battlefield situated a few hours from Los Angeles, where soldiers train before being shipped off to war. The faux town, Medina Wasl, which the US government spent a billion dollars to build, is populated by soldiers and real Iraqi refugees who painstakingly simulate war scenarios. Amidst the fake blood, fake dead, and fake shootouts, the line between virtual games and real war gets blurry. “Full Battle Rattle” is playing at the New York Film Forum through July 22.

America’s Next Top Porn Star

admin — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:07:36 +0000

There is no marriage more perfect than that of reality TV and porn, the coming together of TV’s trashiest medium and cinema’s crappiest productions. In this spirit, Fox Reality Channel, which is arguably the worst network in existence, will be launching “My Bare Lady 2: Open for Business” this November. The first season of “My Bare Lady” focused on four porn stars in London as they attempted to learn how to perform Shakespeare as well as they perform blow jobs. Sadly, they all sucked. (“There’s no personality there–at all,” one of their thespian peers observed.) The second season brings together Brooke Haven, Casey Parker, Sunny Leone and Veronica Rayne, sticks them in a house with some guy who’s supposed to be like Tony Robbins, and makes them wash some cars, all of which is supposed to teach them how to run a business but in reality is an excuse for Fox to pass off soft-core porn as mainstream programming.

Please, Captain, Not in Front of the Klingons

admin — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 22:22:16 +0000

Apparently, the Biography Channel, which I guess now calls itself the Bio Channel, has a new series debuting on August 19th, “Shatner’s Raw Nerve.” Hosted by William Shatner, the program is an “edgy and offbeat celebrity interview series,” featuring a star-studded guest lineup that includes Leonard Nimoy, Jimmy Kimmel–and Jenna Jameson. Unfortunately, there’s no word yet on what Captain Kirk and the zombie stripper will be discussing. Maybe he’ll ask her why she looks high as a fucking kite in this video, shot after the most recent time her boyfriend Tito Ortiz has gotten the shit beaten out of him since he started dating the star of “Cum One, Cum All.”
Image: |Fugue|

The President’s Organized Sex-Crime Ring

admin — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:34:57 +0000

In an eye-popping essay, author Naomi Wolf accuses George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Condoleezza Rice of running an “organized sex-crime ring” at Abu Ghraib and GuantÃ¡namo Bay, “in which the trafficked sex slaves were US-held prisoners.” According to Wolf, the use of sex as a torture device was promoted by the administration, and according to GuantÃ¡namo Bay Staff Judge Advocate Diane Beaver, during sex torture brainstorming sessions among officials, “You could almost see their dicks getting hard as they got new ideas.” Sex torture techniques included the smearing of menstrual blood on the faces of prisoners, forcing prisoners to engage in simulated sex acts, and, ultimately, anal sodomy. By denying that the US government oversaw the sexual torture of detainees, Wolf writes, “Americans are behaving like a dysfunctional family by shielding sex criminals in their midst through silence.” In an Op-Ed piece, porn scribe Mark Kernes points out the hypocrisy of a government that indicts pornographers for making adult videos as it perpetrates “sexual assaults committed on helpless captives.”

Requiem for A Wet Dream

admin — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 23:34:51 +0000

“The Auteur” is the story of Arturo Domingo, the Stanley Kubrick of adult movies. Directed by James Westby, this indie feature follows Domingo as he travels to a Portland film festival, where he’ll be accepting a Lifetime Achievement award for his achievements in shooting people fucking for a living. But as he seeks to score financing for his comeback project, “Gang Bangs of New York,” the XXX filmmaker pines for the love of his life, Fiona. While most satires of the porn industry are as dull, unfunny, and heartless as Snuff, “The Auteur” is a very funny, pretty dirty, and oddly heartwarming look at, as one porn star in the movie puts it, what makes porn and love sorry bedfellows. Click below for trailer.