The Internet: Time-Consuming Series of Tubes

06.03.10 Kari Ferrell

theinternetThe internet is full of many wonderful gems; porn, snarky blogs, information on nearly everything, and home videos of housewives banging cats. According to the IDC, in 2007, American “online users” spent an average of 32.7 hours online, per week.

Social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook take up the majority of “online user’s” time, with Twitter seeing a 3,700% growth of time spent, within the last year. Facebook is currently number one on the list of Top Ten Social Networking and Blog Sites; with 13,872,640 minutes being spent on the site, in one month alone. Also on the list are websites I’ve never heard of, like Slash Key and Gaia Online; which appears to be a virtual playground for retards and twinks.

Despite (or coinciding with, your choice) the fact that 70% of porn’s traffic occurs within the confines of the average workday, it has been proven that dicking around on the internet–at work–increases your productivity. Dr. Brent Coker of the University of Melbourne found that when performing in WILB; which stands for “Workplace Internet Leisure Browsing”, not whatever dirty thing it was you were hoping it would be, employees actually focus better on their work tasks.

According to his research, those who spent 20% of their time watching videos of Japanese people doing retarded things, on YouTube, were overall nine percent more productive than those who didn’t deviate from the task at hand, at all. However, this research does not apply to the “internet-addicted.”

But what does this mean if your job IS to dick around on the internet? Shouldn’t that mean that techies and bloggers should be taking over the world, right about now? If the average person can spend 1/5 of their workday surfing around being somewhat productive, logically those who spend 5/5 of their day surfing around should have the Darwinian advantage. Seems only fair that the fittest survive by taking those who have menial-less-fun jobs down. Right?

So, the next time your boss comes over to your cubicle and gets on your ass for your harmless little obsession with hentai, pull out the already completed spreadsheet and profit-margin-comparison report, and get back to whackin’.

Comic by the great Asher Sarlin, of Elephantitis of the Mind