Yes, We Tested The New Keith Haring Sex Toys

06.28.12 Marina Galperina

To be blunt, Keith Haring would not mind that his art adorns Tenga’s uber-advanced vacuum fuck cups, nor in shapes of the ridges inside the brand spankin’ new Easy Beat Egg. Other blogs will just show you the pictures. Luckily, we have such good sports on our extended staff, that we can give you a much more comprehensive, hands-on review.

First off, yes, you can literally fuck Keith Haring’s art! And, though these are masturbatory aids, you’re not obligated to go solo. The entire set is festive with Haring signature radiant babies, barking dogs, graffiti hearts and dancing men, all very joyous, vibrant, moving. For “a world where people everywhere can safely and freely enjoy their sexuality” via “unprecedented internal design” — think Keith Haring Foundation condoms, but even safer.

The big ones: Both, the festively adorned Original Vacuum Cup and Soft Tube Cup could pass for shampoo bottles at first glance but are equipped within is an advanced rubbery mechanism that looks similar to the organic orifice but extra fancy, with “tightening zones” and “protuberances.” And so, comrades of ANIMAL with penises not frightened by the future tried them out. Here are their honest thoughts.

The KHC-101 Original Vacuum Cup

“The diagram in the instruction booklet made it look like some sort of medieval torture chamber or a Chinese finger trap, but it’s much easier to use than I thought. Unwrap it, take off sticker on top, unscrew bottom, and put your dick in!”

“Was cold and goopy at first, but felt pretty good on initial contact. The ‘Suction’ and ‘No Suction’ modes are fun and as easy as moving your finger on and off the hole.”

“Real-life queefing sounds!”

“Pointy bits by the tip a little disconcerting.”

“Lube gets everywhere. Then kinda runs out. After a while, thought about finishing off the ol’ fashioned way, but stuck it out for a… Great finale! Left me feeling very…sticky.”

Alright. Now for the real deal. The Tenga Easy Beat Egg came in three different internal designs, for varying intensity. Confused? It stretches.

There’s a correlation between the visual designs and what it promised — “Dance The Night Away!” dancing man for “cascading flourish of sensations,” the “Let’s Get The Party Started” model of smaller, denser, shallower Haring designs for “slow, decadent stimulation” and the “Feel the rush of the street!” model featuring the hardest, deepest, “strong, exhilarating” ridges. So, each of our volunteers got one. Their combined highlights:

“When I first put it on it made my dick look like it was wearing a little hat.  It looked like the Sultan from Aladdin.”

“Impressive little egg fucker! It’s definitely the closest thing to a male dildo I’d imagine to exist. Surprisingly more elastic. Different handlings elicit very different sensations. The egg-shape seemed to prove more encompassing than how I’d envisioned the other more cylindrical toys to be. Being engulfed in the tiny structure seemed more indicative of ‘the real thing.’ At times it could have been a mouth! During others, a vagina! But never quite a hand.”

“Lost a good grip on it after a while… Finished with a real bang though! It worked!”

“I can’t imagine the eggs feeling that different from one another… It’s a step up from regular masturbation. I’ve never used anything like this before and theres something to be said about the layer of rubber between my hand and dick. Doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything at all but still feels like I’m fucking a rubber egg.”

“Was relatively silent with slight sloshy sounds here and there due to excess lube. Was skeptical of its stretching power at first but really all that matters is the tip, right? It stretches pretty well but after one use it didn’t really hold its egg shape very well.”

“Quick, practical cleanup. The Vicks inhaler-like tube that initially housed the lube doubled as a hole-plugging device which sealed the egg from any post-usage leakage. THAT is good industrial design.”

“Clean up is a bit messy. The lube is a bit sticky and the egg is annoying to wash out. Water and cum just don’t get along. All and all not a bad little sex toy. Very simple. Perhaps it would be more interesting with a partner.”

“I never did quite get a chance to give it a name. I can only complain about the size. Very much looking forward to the Tenga ostrich edition.”

So, all in all, the champs felt connected to Keith Haring’s art (literally) and considered exploring these with a partner, so, that’s a job well done, Tenga and that’s another medium conquered by the legendary artist. Keith Haring forever.