Aw, poor Boston police. They joined the force in search of excitement and danger, hoping to save the city from the perils of crime — just like the cops on TV! But what do you do if you’re protecting and serving an affluent, relatively tame college town? Go after those damn kids playing basement shows, of course!

In a valiant effort to rid the streets of Boston’s venomous DIY music scene, police have taken to creating fake identities on Facebook, Gmail, and local message boards in order to obtain details on upcoming basement shows. Or as one sneaky officer, under the pseudonym of “Donna Giordano” put it, “local music shows”. “Donna’s” Facebook page contains pictures like the Boston Skyline and a generic moshpit (“love the pit,” the caption reads), and she is apparently friends with Slipknot drummer Joey Jordison and Bollywood actress Trishna Krishnan. Oof.

Then there’s “Joe Sly,” whose fake Gmail account sports a green-mowhawked avatar and the tagline “What’s the point.” So punk rock it hurts. “Joe” wasn’t so sly in his recent email to the St. Louis band Spelling Bee:

“Too bad you were not here this weekend,” he wrote. “Patty’s day is a mad house I am still pissing green beer.  The cops do break balls something wicked here. What’s the address for Saturday Night, love DIY concerts.”

Yup, and too bad everyone knows the green-beer drinking, St. Paddy’s-crazed frat boy type stay away from the DIY basement scene like Paul Revere from the Red Coats. You came wicked close with the cop-ball-busting, though.

As hilarious as the BPD’s botched efforts to seem “down” may be, this also marks a tragic end of an era. What was once a thriving, collaborative DIY community has forcibly become a place of paranoia and relative isolation. Ever since a citywide “nuisance control ordinance” was passed last year, the “crackdown” has become increasingly severe, and it seems like the BPD won’t stop until every last basement equipped with a P.A. system has been shut down for good.

(Images used in Photoshop: Slate, Boston.com)