Tan Mom’s music video opens on a shot of Tan Mom greenscreened over the sun, because the sun makes you tan and because tan mom is the light and the warmth around which our planet revolves. A few shots later–after The Luckiest Guy in The Universe mingles shirtless with Tan Mom and gently cups her pendulous, leathery breasts in his hands (through a bra of course, because Tan Mom is nothing if not a classy lady)–Tan Mom literally¬†becomes¬†the sun, gleefully presiding over a sky full of chirping birds, just like that weird baby in Teletubbies.

And then shirtless guy dances some more, and the phrase “Tan Mom” pops up on the screen a few times, and a second shirtless guy dances a little (I like the first shirtless guy more), and Tan Mom does some Casey and His Brother-level slow, sensuous sunscreen application, until the song’s moving, spoken word bridge-cum-Tan Mom Manifesto is delivered from a podium affixed with the presidential seal: “Don’t judge me! Don’t make a deal because I am saying it to you! I’m saying it to you! Let it be the way it is, because it’s Tan Mom! Bitch!” Because Tan Mom is the President of the Unites States of America.