Our sister-site Uproxx’s Steve Bramucci wrote a post extolling the virtues of Di Fara Pizza in Brooklyn, which is widely considered the best pizzeria in New York, putting it in the running (according to Bramucci) for best pizzeria in America. I confess to never having been to Di Fara, because I live in Brooklyn, so Di Fara is hard to get to from my apartment and I’m too busy to go stand in line in the middle of the day for a long time. But it’s great, I’m sure. If it wasn’t as good as people say it is, it wouldn’t be considered the best.

Yes, Di Fara, and the other New York pizza places Bramucci cites as special — San Matteo and Lombardi’s — are great. They make solid-ass classic pizza. They’re pizzerias you would take your cousin to for some “real New York pizza.” But you know what’s really New York pizza? Domino’s. I swear to God. Not because it’s good (which it is, fuck you. It’s not better than real pizza, but it still tastes good in the mouth-hole), but because it’s what New Yorkers actually eat. Walk down your block and look in people’s trash cans and tell me how many Domino’s boxes you see. If anybody questions you, tell them the truth about what you’re doing.

There’s no true definition of what makes pizza “the best.” If you’re in New York and you want a pizza that has some weird shit on top of it because you’re tired of people telling you that you need the burnt thin-crust Neapolitan thing (which is still great, duh), try one of these delicious places:

1. Speedy Romeo, Clinton Hill: Try the St. Louie, a St. Louis-style pizza. St. Louis-style means cut into little squares and topped with Italian sausage, pepperoni, pickled chilis, and the secret weapon, Provel, a white Cheez-whiz like substance that will make you became a Cardinals fan. It’s spicy and smoky and you’ll love it.

2. Anna Marie, Williamsburg: Part of the whole point of New York pizza is that you get it when you’re drunk and the people selling it to you are rude. Well, nowhere is more late-night and no one is ruder than Anna Marie. I haven’t been there in a while, so I don’t know if the guy who curtly says “Next please!” in a way that just drips with contempt still works there, but last time I went there there was a different guy saying “Next please!” trying to imitate the one guy, but his heart clearly wasn’t in it. He wasn’t so in touch with his hate. Anyway, they put so many toppings on your slices you almost have to use a knife and fork, it’s great.

3. Vinnie’s, Williamsburg/Greenpoint: Up the street from Anna Marie, Vinnie’s invented one of the most viral pizzas of all time, the pizza-topped pizza, but Vinnie’s has all kinds of crazy shit, like the black bean avocado, which is a delicious pizza made of farts. And they have vegan options, too, if you’re a vegan but want to pretend you aren’t.

4. Neapolitan Express, Financial District: They have a $50 black truffle pizza! That’s wild for how expensive it is! JK, don’t bother.

5 Domino’s, Papa John’s, Pizza Hut, Lil Cesar’s, etc: Fuck it, it’s cheap and you know what you’re getting and who are you trying to impress with your pizza knowledge, anyway? And you can order none pizza with left beef, which is an experiment in what still counts as pizza.

(Photo: Erin Glover)