Dear Daily News, this article fucking sucks. No further commentary necessary. (Photo: ANIMALNewYork)
A 26-year-old Manhattan man tried to commit suicide by jumping out the window of his family’s rent controlled apartment yesterday. He fell nine stories, but thanks to delays caused by the blizzard, landed on mounting piles of trash and survived, creating quite the conundrum for headline writers at both the Post and the Daily News.
The keeper of the Daily News‘s official Twitter account last night tweeted the rumor that translucent man of intrigue Julian Assange was bald and boldly bar-hopping in Lower Manhattan. Interpol’s undercover nightlife unit will surely get to the bottom of this. Meantime, ladies: if a bald man with a laptop tries to buy you a drink tonight, politely decline then CALL INTERPOL POSTHASTE.
Turkeys! They have been creating mayhem and causing fear among inhabitants of the strange Island of Staten for at least a decade now–halting traffic, shitting on everything, and trapping women in cars. If you didn’t know this, it’s because no one from Staten could tell you–they’re all hiding in their homes, so the turkeys won’t get them. Read more »
That’s gangster: Both the Daily News and New York Post ridiculed a 17-year-old for cooperating with the NYPD, but that’s cause he’s related to the late John Gotti, making him a “snitch,” not a cooperative witness.
The Daily News asks: “Did a time traveler get caught on camera in 1928?” Hmm. Let’s think about that for a second. Of course they did. How else can you explain the object that a woman is holding up to her ear in this clip from a 1928 Charlie Chaplin film? It’s a cell phone of course. And they didn’t have those back then (or cell towers), so time travel is the most plausible theory. Read more »
From today’s Daily News: “A group of hipsters are suing the NYPD, accusing cops of busting up their bash, arresting them, and eating their pizza!” A group of what? Do they mean young people from Brooklyn? Since when did the world’s most all encompassing nonsensical word also now include visitors from Mexico? And to think that this same paper calls a literally challenged principal “moronic.”
Tabloid synergy is never a good thing and as you can see, newly signed Mets outfielder Jason Bay managed to land himself on the back pages of both NYC’s lowbrow papers. There should be some sort of special red phone like the White House shares with the Kremlin to make sure this type of thing is averted at all costs.
The New York Daily News, fresh from placing our own lovable Bucky Turco in its editorial crosshairs, takes issue today with Ashley Dupre’s “useless” advice column now running in the New York Post on Sundays. Read more »
Although local tabloids like the NY Daily News or the NY Post often report on the same item and in most cases, the stories are interchangeable, both papers diametrically covered a story about the often brutal NYPD and the impotent Civil Complaint Review Board. According to the Post, it’s all good news: “For the first time in seven years, the number of official complaints charging NYPD misconduct has declined.” But the Daily News paints a very different picture: “The NYPD declined to pursue more than one-third of substantiated complaints brought by civilians against cops last year, according to the Civilian Complaint Review Board.” Sucks when the newspapers inconvenience readers like this, forcing the masses to think and conclude for themselves. |NYP| vs |NYDN|
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