Armed Citizens Applaud Gun Friendly Coffee Chain

In America, gun laws vary from state to state and so there’s plenty of places that have “open carry” laws, which basically means you can rock a firearm on your hip, Wild West style, with a permit. Anyway, Starbucks doesn’t have a universal gun policy for all its billion stores and instead respects the local laws of the communities they’re located in, making card carrying members of the NRA quite at home and others a little uneasy. I say don’t discriminate! Rednecks should have the right to overpriced coffee like everyone else. |AP|

Teen Blabbermouth Arrested For Bombing Upper East Side Starbucks

Inspired by the movie “Fight Club,” a teen arrested for the bombing of an Upper East Side Starbucks forgot the first rule: “You don’t talk about fight club.” Police arrested the teenager, Kyle Shaw, outside his home in Chelsea, charging him with arson, criminal possession of a weapon and criminal mischief for the May 25th blast that damaged a bench and shattered windows outside the coffee shop. With little evidence and few leads to go on, the police investigation was aided by the 17-year-old’s inability to stop talking. Read more »

Police Have No Idea Who Bombed Starbucks

More than two days after the predawn bombing of an Upper East Side Starbucks, investigators are no closer to figuring out who was responsible for the homemade explosive that damaged a wooden bench, shattered windows but fortunately did not injure anyone. Multiple witnesses claim they saw “two white youngsters, about 14 and 16 years old, running away from the scene,” which is the the best lead police have for now. Read more »

Starbucks’ Awful New Yorker Cartoon Ads

Following in the missteps of many an advertiser, Starbucks this week placed their own New Yorker style cartoon ads in the magazine. And they’re painfully unentertaining. Click on them and gape and wince. Which one sucks worse? Tough call! A rooster that drinks coffee? HAHAHAHAHA! Or, a woman cooing like a mourning dove about a guy she just boned—because he likes the same burnt Joe as her. Both are about cocks! In fact the captions are interchangeable. Go ahead and switch ‘em, the cartoons still make perfect sense. OK, here, I’ll take literally 30 seconds and write my own captions. ROOSTER: “I can’t believe Edgar can crow, let alone walk, after last night’s threesome. Must be the Starbucks.” WOMAN: “Ten inch dick and he likes Starbucks Breakfast Blend.” Again, they’re interchangeable.
-Copyranter