Ukrainian Military Dolphins With Guns on Their Heads Are AWOL (UPDATE: No They’re Not)

March 12, 2013 | Samer Kalaf

UPDATE: The story of three dolphins escaping was a hoax. The dolphins do still exist, however, but they’re being safely contained from civilians. Sorry.

The Ukrainian army has a problem. Three of their military dolphins have escaped, presumably to go get laid or do other dolphin things. Now, what constitutes a military dolphin, you might ask? The benign ones are used to detect mines, while others have knives or pistols attached to their heads and are trained to attack enemies. So basically, there are three armed and deadly dolphins roaming unchecked around the Black Sea right now. Stay out of the water until further notice, Ukrainians.

(Photo: Gordon Wrigley/Flickr + Photoshop)