Five Google Glass Apps
From the Near Future

April 29, 2013 | Kyle Chayka

So this Google Glass thing might catch on, huh? Well, if you can’t win them, you might as well make money. ANIMAL presents: Five Google Glass apps you totally need to buy tomorrow.

Are you an exceptionally socially active individual? Do you have trouble recalling some of those social activities? Do you have any idea what the fuck you’re doing in Hackensack? Not to worry: What Did iDo Last Night records and plays back the data your brain dropped. Just sit back, watch yourself and geolocate that mysterious sense of dread.

Are you bored and bound to your office desk? Just launch FakeWork  and Google Glass will broadcast a hologram replica of your eyes intensely staring at the labor of your choice. Meanwhile on the interior side, your favorite TV channel plays in front of your drooling face. Look at you, you smooth, tech-savvy bastard!

Has perpetually looking at computer screens instead of physical human beings given you face-blindness? Do you forget the names of people you meet from Tumblr? Name 2 Face automatically locks onto the people around you, scans your Facebook friends facial data and tags them for you. Never “Hello… erm… you” again.

Ever look around at a bar and realize everyone is incredibly ugly? Like, offensively ugly and unworthy of your own amazing looks? In fact, not even just at a bar — everywhere you go, everyone in the world is hideous? Virtual Beer Goggles has a solution! This app will overlay the faces and figures you’re forced to look at with far sexier versions sourced from a NSFW Google Image search. Get ready for a hotter world! Just don’t take your glasses off at the wrong time.

Google has noticed you’ve been using a lot of words like “sad,” “upset” and
“aaaaaaaaaaaasjkdhaksd&&)sahdada@!#cssj*)@!_sdjhaoi” in your emails lately. You’ve been looking at too much Google news. You’re trying to book a ticket “THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.” Download Depression Buddy! As soon as your mood metrics exhibit symptoms of sad, the app will deploy a comforting onslaught of cat GIFs. Many, many, many, many cat GIFs. Cats are very good. Cats for everyone.

(GIFs: Kyle Petreycik/ANIMALNewYork)