Terrible Person Tries to Marry Computer

May 8, 2014 | Andy Cush

At first, the story of Chris Sevier seems innocent enough. Man gets addicted to porn, tries to marry his computer, fails, lives in unwed bliss instead. Romantic! Even if the lawfully wedded part didn’t work out.

Then you get to the part where Sevier calls himself “patriot with standing,” and things start to feel icky. The former lawyer, it seems, would to make a point about gay marriage.

Utah’s Amendment 3, which constitutionally defined marriage as between a man and a woman, was struck down by a federal judge, and the state is in the midst of an appeal. Sevier filed a motion to intervene on the appeal, claiming that a county clerk denied his marriage license application.

Some choice excerpts:

Those of us whose sexual orientation has been classically conditioned upon orgasm through the straight forward science of dopamine to prefer sex with inanimate objects and animals do not have public support, like the gays, so we are especially vulnerable here.

If there is a risk that is posed to traditional marriage and children, both man-man couples and man-machine couples pose it equally.

Thanks to the gospel presented from Hollywood, the new rhetoric of the United States is that it is immoral to be moral, and the laws of the United States must reflect that or separation of church and state is violated.

Get it? Satire! Because if a man can marry a man, god dangit, why can’t he marry a computer?

Sevier’s motion was denied.

(Photo: @Rob DiCaterino)