9 Quick Ways to Get Rid of the Confederate Flag at the South Carolina Statehouse

June 23, 2015 | Liam Mathews

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley said yesterday that it was time to take the Confederate flag off the grounds of the State Capital, jumping on the take-it-down bandwagon now that it’s politically expedient to do so. The decision is ultimately up to the South Carolina Legislature, who are mostly out-of-session for the summer but will be meeting today to pass a budget compromise, and Haley hopes they will extend the session to discuss removing the flag. If they don’t, Haley says she will order an extension.

There have been calls to remove the flag by Wednesday, when Rev. Clementa C. Pinckney, the State Senator who was one of the nine people murdered during the shooting last week, will lay in state. It’s unlikely, however, that the General Assembly will make a decision in time for that. The flag has already flown over South Carolina like a middle finger to anyone who isn’t a racist white Southerner for 150 years, and it’s not coming down legally without a fight. Throw in the fact that these legislators are trying to go on summer vacation, and the general slow-paced Southern culture, and the probability that a lot of the legislators are racists who don’t want to take the flag down, and you’re looking at a decision that could take years to make.

That flag needs to come down today, though, so that the Reverend Pinckney doesn’t lay under a state-sanctioned symbol of hate. Unfortunately, the flag is affixed to the pole, so it can’t just be taken down; someone has to climb up and take it down, which would be illegal, because the racist-ass state legislature mandated that the flag flies. So to get around all that, ANIMAL has devised nine other ways to make sure that flag is gone from the Statehouse by sunrise.

1. Saw the flagpole over.

2. Fly a burning drone into it.

3. Lasso it with a big rope.

4. Shoot it with a paintball gun.

5. Shoot it with a real gun until it’s in tatters.

6. Like 10 people can climb up on top of each other’s shoulders and pull it down.

7. Light it on fire using a long tiki torch.

8. Tell all the legislators that the flag’s gay and only gay people like the Confederacy.

9. Just take it down. It’s very simple. Send the groundskeeper up the pole and have him pull it down.

(Photo: Jimmy Emerson)