A new report (PDF) released by the Department of Investigation — an NYC agency that vows to “get the worms out of the Big Apple” — reveals that one of its investigators was able to smuggle various types of illegal contraband into the jails at Rikers Island.

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The New York Times reports that the investigator went undercover as a guard, and was carrying a party valued at $22,000 in his pants:

Last month, the undercover investigator, an employee with the Department of Investigation, was able to sneak contraband into all six of the Rikers jails that he tried to enter. The pockets of his cargo pants, according to the report, were bulging with 250 packets of heroin; 24 strips of Suboxone, a pain killer; and a half pound of marijuana.

On top of all that, he snuck in a “water bottle filled with vodka” and a razor blade. None of these items were detected at the jail’s various checkpoints, making Rikers guards grossly incompetent, or investigator-dude the illest smuggler ever.

(Photo: Matt Green)