Also? It tingles when you stick your dick in it…Back in the Swingtown 70s, everybody was hornier and hairier and having sex with everyone and anything. As the copy on this Canada Dry ad reads: “The only thing better than a club soda that’s full of life at the end of a party is a girl who’s full of life at the end of a party.” But what were you to do if all the chicks had splitzo, man? Hop into the shower, pour some ice cold bubbling club soda on your swizzle stick, think about Farrah Fawcett (or Lee Majors) and rub one out. Canada Dry Club Soda—turns any picnic into a dicknic!
Ad: via Vintage Advertising
-Copyranter
Internationally-loved Barack Obama is not surprisingly big in Japan (especially Obama, Japan). Marketers there are already attempting to capitalize on him and his universal message of believable change. And with the above TV spot, E Mobile believes that changing Obama into a primate and dressing him in a presidential monkey suit will sell a shitload of cell phones. Now before we cry ‘racism,’ let us remember that the crazy Japanese are famous for senselessly insane TV commercials. And this spot was apparently produced before the whole Obama sock monkey incident. So, before we shove Jim Crow down E Mobile’s throat……who am I kidding? E Mobile—you’re racist bastards.
Video via |Black Tokyo|
-Copyranter|
The alcohol bottle as erect penis (examples one, two, three): nothing novel. So to introduce their new naturally-flavored vodkas, Skyy—who’ve already brought us implied sapphic sky sex in their advertising—apparently decided they needed to go much ballsier. Literally. Go ahead. Stare at the ad. Now; try telling me that this visual does not represent two women sucking on a man’s (shaved) testicles. Additional rumination brings up the thought that “cherry” is a euphemism for vagina hymen, but that’s really a non-factor here, I believe. Skyy bottle=dick. Cherries=balls. Any questions? Your move, Belvedere.
Ad: scanned from the latest People (Click to enlarge)
-Copyranter
One assumes physicians are relatively smart people. And advertising isn’t brain surgery. Yet, this print PSA, co-produced by the AAOS (American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons and the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) is one of the absolute dumbest pieces of communication I’ve ever seen. It looks a 3rd grader from the special class did it. From the atrocious layout to the asinine headline to the awful illustration of children of yesteryear to the…what the FUCK does this visual even mean? Why is a basketball game being held on a see-saw? And teeter-tottering isn’t exactly a great fat-reducing activity. And the dire headline: …”like their lives depended on it.” Well, for the very small percentage of kids who played Russian roulette, I guess that’s true.
…does John think I’m smart? I like paper boats…and docks…he really cock-rocks my love canoe…did you get my all-points bulletin, Bradley dear? Wait, where did this fucking lame-ass headline come from? Jesus, sounds like an entry from my sixth-grade diary…who gives a fuck…thank GOD for this bullshit gig…click click, ching ching…a Friends movie would be sweet about now—if fucking Matthew would get his head outta his ass…my ass looks good here…maybe I should get my hair cut like Rachel again…maybe lip injections….NO! Fuck that fucking bony bogus Goodwill Ambassador baby whore…my tattoo still itches a little…wonder what John’s doing right at this very moment…I’m thirsty…
Snapped on Lafayette @ Great Jones (Click to enlarge)
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The “Anti-establishment” Post-Grad slacks…My guess is Stokely Carmichael never wore this particular pair of protest pants while marching on the Capitol. Slack Power! OMG, what a movement-killing pun and pic! “Our Post-Grad Slacks have soul” purrs the copy. Where? Are they reversible? It’s not just that they’re plaid pants, it’s that they’re those plaid pants. In the history of tough guys, I don’t think a tough guy has ever looked less tough—though his expression says he’s ready to punch a hole in the wall as soon as the photoshoot’s done. Even young Nick Nolte in his tight white h.i.s jeans looks like more of a badass.
Ad: |IdahoStudios| (Click to enlarge)
-Copyranter
Shamelessly using T&A to sell vodka? pathetic. But using it to promote cruelty-free chicken killing, copacetic, right? Having won concessions from KFC Canada to only buy from farms that kill chickens painlessly, PETA now aims to fry KFC USA. Their wild PR stunts are hit or miss, but this one—in all its gory sexist glory—is pretty compelling. Smoky and crispy, indeed. Colonel Harland David Sanders would not be amused. Aroused maybe, but not amused.
Image: The PETA Files (Click to enlarge)
-Copyranter
ANIMAL was digging through the wires and found a press release from the East Hampton Historical Society announcing that “(T)he Polo Ralph Lauren Corporation has agreed to underwrite the ongoing restoration of the barns and landscape of the Society’s renowned Mulford farm, one of America’s most notable, intact Colonial farmsteads.” Splendid! Even super rich people like to occasionally get mud on their shoesies because it makes them feel more grounded. And what do you think Ralph is doing to celebrate this new partnership? Making a new t-shirt! With a whale on it! Because, you see, whaling was an important part of the Colonial East Hampton’s economy. So it’ll be a dead whale, I guess? Most likely, it won’t be as ass-ugly as Ralph’s Polo Match shirt, pictured. Seriously, that is the most douche ever splattered on a polo shirt—looks like a huge condiment stain from a distance…this concludes this week’s ANIMAL New York Hamptons report. Have a nice weekend, East Enders!
-Copyranter
First off, this ad effort is for a good cause: Feed SA is a non-profit organization dedicated to feeding less fortunate South Africans. And if supermarkets want to take money from them in exchange for placing photos of beautiful, probably fake-hungry model children in the bottom of their shopping carts, well I got no argument against that. Well, except one. One big one. Talk about your slippery slopes! Just imagine a huge pic of a sweating opened carton of Breyers ice cream or a cooler full of ice and Coke cans taking up the bottom of that cart. And just imagine what the advertisers would be wiling to pay for this heretofore untapped point-of-decision space.
Image: |BestAdsOnTV|
-Copyranter
In Web ads promoting the launch of their new American news site, the Guardian digitally carved their logo’s ‘g’ into Mt. Rushmore—unceremoniously squashing Teddy Bear Roosevelt’s lantern jaw and completely usurping the spot reserved for George W. Bush’s little head. First, a bindi on Lady Liberty, and now this defacement! Somebody go carve the Declaration of Independence into the white cliffs of Dover! Manufactured xenophobia aside, the left-leaning Guardian is considered a rather spiffy news outfit, yes? Well, professionally speaking, this image looks like something a mediocre American high school ad student might hatch up after about 3 minutes of lazy thought.
-Copyranter
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