Glenn Beck Sadly Escapes Death After His Appendix Conveniently Fails Him

At 5pm today I tuned in to Glenn Beck’s program on Fox News eager to see how the right wing’s modern version of P.T. Barnum would spin last night’s epic failure by the human dildo robot he personally programmed and installed to win the race for New York’s 23rd House district. But when the show started, I, as well as millions of Beck death-cultists who tune in to his show each day, got a bit of a surprise: instead of Glenn Beck’s big, stupid fuckface greeting us, we were greeted by the big, stupid fuckface of Judge Andrew Napolitano, who explained that Beck had been overcome with appendicitis earlier in the day and was in the hospital following emergency surgery. Read more »

Unfortunately Glenn Beck Has Yet to Die a Grizzly Death

Have you ever read a story about some sweet, talented young person losing their life to a coyote mauling or something equally horrific and wondered to yourself, “Why couldn’t that have been ‘fat, dumb Mormon fuckface’ Glenn Beck instead?” Yeah, well, ME TOO! And, as is their proclivity, The Onion has their finger firmly on America’s pulse and produced this hilarious “news” piece that taps into that “Glenn Beck so deserves to die a grizzly death” vein that so many of us secretly feel. Read more »