He came, he preached, he did nothing to convince us that the Catholic Church isn’t Christendom’s next Enron. Which actually sucks in a certain way — there’s nothing worse than a Catholic who takes the minority-oppression stance. I mean, look at how that fuckhead Bill Donohue talks. You’d think Christians were still being fed to lions.
To be fair, on this visit the Holy Father did his best to wash the Church’s hands of bloody choirboy semen by meeting with several victims of sexual abuse. It backfired, of course, by emboldening even more victims to come forward with their own tales of hot-under-the-collar priests. But otherwise, it was an uneventful visit to an unwelcoming city in a gloriously godless country. And frankly, that’s just how we like it. Godspeed, you quack emperor.
In case you missed our crack coverage of XVI2008USA, here’s the link to all things papal. And don’t forget about the print!
-Jeff Koyen
Like the Pope, ANIMAL’s street team—aka two girls from Craigslist—went to Yankee Stadium on Sunday afternoon on a mission from God. And like his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, the ANIMAL marketing squad was filled with tender loving kindness for our fellow man. In fact, our cup so runneth over with mercy that we distributed 5000 special edition Pope-ylactics to help prevent the spread of sexual transmitted diseases. The big H, in particular. (That shit’s everywhere.)
The Pope hits town, immediately leaves American soil. |NYT|
And then talks a bit about human rights. |CNN|
Meanwhile, the New York Times’ blog is just…um…riveting. |NYT Blog|
And our president rides firmly on the Holy Coattails. |AP|
Those jokers at the Guardian get cheeky. |Guardian|
The Pope’s so happy these idiots aren’t Catholic. |MSNBC|
And like the lake of fire, an inferno bursts out in front of St. Patrick’s yesterday. |NYP|
-Jeff Koyen
Some say it’s unfair to harp on the Catholic Church’s child-abuse scandals when the Pope’s in town. It would be a cheap shot, for instance, to call Pope Benedict XVI the kind of guy who protects pedophile priests from prosecution.
Well… In 2006, the BBC documentary program Panorama claimed that, as a Cardinal, Joseph Ratzinger issued a “secret church directive” that guided the Vatican’s systematic cover-up of boy-fucking fathers.
This is no conspiracy theory that’s been retro-fitted to indict a Cardinal who became Pope. On Aug. 7, 2002, the National Catholic Reporter connected Ratzinger to Crimen Sollicitationis, a 1962 document that outlined the Vatican’s policy for handling allegations of sexual abuse. Their Vatican correspondent reported that Crimen Sollicitationis was referenced in a “letter from Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, head of the Vatican’s doctrinal congregation, to the bishops of the world regarding new procedures for sex abuse cases.”
Clearly, these new procedures had nothing to do with honesty, or justice, not even decency.
The documentary is here (click “watch” on the right). Or, read a transcript
-Jeff Koyen
At 9:30 on Sunday morning, Pope Benedict XVI will visit the World Trade Center site before darting up to Yankee Stadium — on the 4 train, no doubt. After being welcomed by Cardinal Egan, His Holiness will kneel silently for a few moments, then lead the crowd in a pre-scripted prayer. According to the Vatican, PapaRatzi will beseech our heavenly father thusly:
We ask you in your goodness to give eternal light and peace to all who died here — the heroic first-responders: our fire fighters, police officers, emergency service workers, and Port Authority personnel, along with all the innocent men and women who were victims of this tragedy simply because their work or service brought them here on September 11, 2001… We are mindful as well of those who suffered death, injury, and loss on the same day at the Pentagon and in Shanksville, Pennsylvania.
As we’ve discussed before, the Holy Father’s visit is planned down to the minute, and documented almost as fully in the The Roman Missal (available here, PDF). What can we look forward to this weekend? There’s the big mass at Yankee Stadium on Sunday, of course (more about that later). And there’s His Holiness’ prayer at Ground Zero (more about that later, too).
Tomorrow afternoon, Papa Joe pays a visit to Saint Joseph Seminary in Yonkers (where he will presumably receive the Holy
Skateboard). After Cardinal Egan’s greeting, 10 youths will welcome the Holy Father and offer him…bread. From the Missal:
Holy Father, we are honored to present you with—Dark bread, rye bread, and brown bread, characteristic of the nations of Eastern Europe; White bread, characteristic of the nations of Western Europe, North America, and Oceania; Rice, characteristic of the nations of Africa and Asia; Unleavened bread, characteristic of the nations of the Middle East and parts of Asia; and Maize, characteristic of the nations of Africa and North, Central, and South America. Along with all of these, we share with you our lives, and we open wide our hearts.
White bread? Dag, that’s jacked.
-Jeff Koyen
When Pope Benedict XVI visited the Orthodox Christian stronghold of Mt. Athos — a lovely mountainous land on a peninsula in northeast Greece — the resident holy men weren’t very impressed. In fact, they were downright hostile:
“[T]he Pope is in fact visibly promoting and trying to reinforce Unia along with the Papist dogmas on primacy and infallibility, and is going even further, with inter-faith common prayers and the pan-religious hegemony of the Pope of Rome that is discerned therein.
Oh, snap. (Read the monks’ full statement here. Don’t miss the part about the filioque. It’s a barn-burner!) Stateside protests are a little more civilized, as evidenced by our gallery of anti-Papists in the streets of New York outside the UN. After the jump, enjoy a select showing of Pope and church-haters.
Couldn’t get a ticket to the Pope’s appearance at St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Saturday? Worry not, you Holy-rollin’ Motherfuckers for God. Our crack reproduction team — last called into action for the Heatherette show during the 2006 Fall Fashion Week, and look how that turned out — slaved away all night to create the Official Animal Unofficial St. Patrick’s Pope Concert Souvenir Ticket.
Click
target="_blank">here for the high-res rendering, which you can then send to your office’s color printer when no one’s looking. Unfortunately, the original ticket-holder declined to send a proper full-size scan, so this will be an inexact process. It seems to be 7 3/8″ wide by 3″ tall; we’re told there’s some writing on the back about no backpacks and no bombs — the usual security boilerplate. We don’t know what kind of paper was used; we recommend printing yours on a decent white card stock.
According to the letter that accompanied the tickets, you must arrive at the security checkpoints (6th Ave. between 49th & 51st Sts.) between 6 and 8 a.m. Early arrival is encouraged. You will then pass through a metal detector and be asked to present a government-issued photo ID.
If anyone makes use of these “souvenir” tickets, we’d appreciate a report. Photos = big bonus.
-Jeff Koyen
Right about right now, His Eminence is addressing the United Nations. Since we don’t expect he’ll announce the presence of Satan on earth, or anything equally cool, we instead offer up these Great Moments at the U.N.
People get weird when a Pope comes to town. Take the Papal Skateboard contest, for example, as
described by the Clerical Whispers blog:
Father Peter Pomposello, one of the organizers of the event, spoke about the purpose behind the contest. “This was a vehicle for the children to learn about who the pope is,” Pomposello said, according to NY1 News. “What do the symbols on his flag mean? What does that motto ‘Christ our hope’ mean?”
That’s awesome, Fr. Pomposello, sure. Just one catch: The winning skateboard doesn’t incorporate Pope Benedict XVI’s symbols, which we analyzed yesterday. Young Krystal Melendez, the board’s designer, painted His Holiness’ deck instead with Vatican City’s coat of arms.
We can’t help but wonder, did Benedict’s XVI’s inclusion of the
-Jeff Koyen
Editor-in-Chief:
