Doomsday Machine Is Working, Finally!

The world’s most complex machine that frightens the followers of Christ and other monotheistic religious cults is up and running. After multiple delays, including a bread crumb-induced shutdown, particle beams are accelerating as researchers continue their search for the so called “God particle.” Good luck stopping us now scientists from the future! |Science Daily|

Bread Crumb Shuts Down the Large Hadron Collider

Either the Gods or scientists from the future don’t want the Large Hadron Collider to work, because this is just getting ridiculous. The latest setback for the particle accelerator that has a slim change of destroying the universe, occurred after a bird dropped a “bit of a baguette” into the machine and it overheated according to the Guardian. Can’t wait to see how it handles a recreation of the Big Bang! What could go wrong? |Guardian|

Broken Collider Won’t End World, Yet

The Large Hadron Collider, the crazy complex $9 billion machine that doomsday prophesiers claim will create world-ending mini-black holes, doesn’t work. Although the particle accelerator was switched on last September in a grand display, it hasn’t collided any particles yet thanks to “thousands of bad electrical connections.” Scientists at CERN expect the machine will start running this winter, but warn “it could be years, if ever, before the collider runs at full strength,” pushing back their hopes of discovering the so-called “God particle.” |NYT|

Image via CERN

Stephen Hawking Bets Against Finding ‘God’s Particle’

Today, Judgment Day provocateurs scientists turned on one of the most elaborately complex science experiments ever—despite death threats—in an attempt to recreate Big Bang-like conditions. Physicists are hoping that the massive Large Hadron Collider (LHC) will help them discover the Higgs Bosons aka the “God particle.” But one of their most accomplished apostles bets $100 that the $6 billion machine won’t solve the mystery of the universe. “I think it will be much more exciting if we don’t find the Higgs. That will show something is wrong, and we need to think again. I have a bet of 100 dollars that we won’t find the Higgs,” chirped world renowned, eccentric smart guy Stephen Hawking. Many fringe groups derided the costly machine as a “world ender” and expressed concerns that mini-black holes could form and thoroughly destroy the planet. But so far so good, the Earth is still here. For those into potential End Times snuff, there’s a live video feed of the sinister scientists at work. |AFP|