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The Dog (2013) Essential, but requires much time to process post-screening conflicting feels. Doc features John Wojtowicz (the real-life inspiration for Dog Day Afternoon) ranting dynamically about how he robbed that bank so his lover can get a sex change operation (that he repeatedly reminds you he didn’t want her to get but then did this so love him, […]

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Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) A continuation of a lot of Marvel mythology. [Enter Wikihole here →  ☻ ] Gang of various space losers (half-human theif bro, big bloke from a planet without metaphors, traumatized but strangely well-adjusted alien assassin chick, an escaped lab racoon who is a genius, a Groot) doing heroic space shit with a HOLY […]

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Lucy (2014) This is Luc Besson’s Cujo. Scarlett Johansson is like dumb, wakes up with a bag of fictional drugs inside her stomach. It leaks and suddenly, something about her brain. Superpowers. LOOKED COOL FOR A FEW SECONDS: 2.0 out of 5.0 Like when her hand was TWO hands. And on the airplane, when she bursts into […]

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Boyhood (2014) The same lead actor, filmedヾ(。◕ฺ∀◕ฺ)ノ for 12 years ヽ(^。^)丿wow –– a total of 39 days. From dir. Richard Linklater (Dazed And Confused, Waking Life, Before Sunrise), now there’s a phenomenal midly eventful steady bildungsroman that makes you notice every nuance of boy-II-man(ish)-hood, from dirt and bugs to the trauma of your first haircut via the overbearing authority […]

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Joon-ho Bong’s South Korean/American train epic based on the French graphic novel Le Transperceneige is strange, dark, bilingual post-Apocalyptic sci-fi. Lower class passengers of a train that’s been rattling in a circle around a dead frozen Earth wasteland for years struggle to survive until R E B E L L I O N WTF: 4.0 out of 5.0 […]

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Edge of Tomorrow (2014) Dir. by Doug Bourne-Movie-Bro Liman, it’s Groundhog Day during an alien invasion and it’s so fantastic and so funny and you’re not watching it because U R SOME HATERS, THIS IS SOME EXHILARATING SHIT TOM CRUISE BEING GOOD AT BEING TOM CRUISE: 5.0 out of 5.0 Sure, Tom Cruise runs in “way that […]

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The Dance of Reality (2013) El Topo Holy Mountain ☆ film-legend-bro☆ makes 1st feature in 23 years. (Read our interview: “One day I say, I need to make the most mystical scene, a scene that will be very heavy because you are dying, and your woman will ask you to allow her to send the water of faith through […]

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The Unknown Known (2013) A portrait of an old man as an orchestrator of history. Master documentary filmmaker Errol Morris puts former United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on the spot to discuss his ’60s congressmanning to the whole 2003 invasion of Iraq thing WTF WAS THAT AMIRITE?!!?! THE BUILDING SENSATION THAT OUR REALITY […]

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Only Lovers Left Alive (2013) Jarmusch made a vampire ☆*:.。. o☆*・゜゚・ movie ・゜゚・*☆o .。.:*☆   so he can relish immortal-like in each spinning overhead shot, immaculate hoarder sets, blissfully druggy ceremonial blood drinking scenes, the aching swell of SQÜRL and Josef Van Wissem’s music, waxing monologues about culture, and like this really good long relationship ♥。. JIM JARMUSCHNESS: 2.5 out of 5.0 […]

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Nymph()maniac: Vol. I, Nymph()maniac: Vol. II (2013) Lars Von Trier’s latest is a long, long story about a girl named Joe who embraces her nymphomania through an endless variety and monotony of overlapping sexual experiences. For our entertainment. DIRECTIONS: After digesting Antichrist and Melancholia, apply Vol. I and Vol. II directly to eyes in quick succession, unless ArtForum is paying […]

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