Here’s That Terrible Kate Middleton Portrait, It’s Terrible

January 11, 2013 | Marina Galperina

“I was disappointed, to be honest. I have been waiting for it, like everybody else,” says Sunday Times art critic Waldemar Januszczak. And there it is. The portrait everybody’s been waiting for, allegedly. But “the Duchess of Cambridge is someone who we know likes art and was presumably going to be an enlightened patron!” And then, this happened.

Well, womp womp and all that. Kate Middleton looks rather sallow and dour, rather older than 31 and is packing some rather hefty eye baggies, which, to be fair, she’s also showing IRL, but when not at all offset by any bright signifiers of vivaciousness, she looks like she’s had one too many benders. Night to night. For like, twelve years in a row. And then someone dragged her out of bed, strapped on what is called “a bottle-green pussy bow blouse” and forced her to hold her eyes open.

Paul Emsley unveiled his portrait at London’s National Portrait Gallery and criticism by people who can’t paint rained down upon him. “I tried my best,” he said.
I mean, it’s not that bad, for a photorealistic painting. Very Titian and classical. But maybe painting, like monarchy, is outmoded.
I’m just going to put this right here. Thanks, Paddy Johnson. This is… terrible.