Science Explains Ridiculous
Sex Noises

July 9, 2013 | Julia Dawidowicz

Of all the weird things about the variations on anatomical acrobatics that was call “sex,” the uncontrollable grunting, panting and miscellaneous savage noises that come into play are possibly the weirdest. Evolutionarily speaking, what is the purpose of all that noise? To guide the lion straight up into the caveman’s love nest? To traumatize centuries’ worth of children and roommates? Are we just culturally conditioned to emulate adult film performances? WHY DO WE DO THIS?

An intrepid team of psychiatrists from the Medical School Hannover in Germany set out to find some answers.

“Up to now no study examined spCO2 during intense sexual intercourse, but there is evidence that some degree of hyperventilation with its physiological consequences may often be induced during sexual intercourse,” the authors explain. “This article discusses implications of hyperventilation during sexual intercourse for alterations of consciousness and subjective experience in the light of recent studies of brain metabolic changes during states of hyperventilation. Groaning and hyperventilation are interpreted in this context as a psychophysiological mechanism to deepen states of sexual trance.”

No more awkwardly avoiding eye contact with those noisy lascivious neighbors! Our bodies are all just trying to alter our consciousnesses and achieve sexual nirvana, man.

Thanks, science, we, uh uh uh, get it now.