ANIMAL’s Guide To What Your Dog Can and Cannot Piss On

September 26, 2014 | Bucky Turco

Many dog owners let their pets piss willy-nilly on all sorts of things. For them, if it’s outside, it’s fair game. But after reading the New York Times piece about how canine urine makes sanitation workers’ job even harder (and volunteering to watch my cousin’s puggle), I found myself very conscious of what I did and didn’t let him piss on.

Dogs piss on things. I get it. It’s their instinct to mark their territory or whatever. But here are some general guidelines that could be helpful to society as a whole.

Keep in mind, that if you have a big dog whose streams are higher, then the list of DON’Ts is even more expansive, like the piss puddles that they produce. Thankfully, the majority of you realize it’s not cool to have a larger breed in a city environment.

ok-pee-dogCAN PISS ON:

Fire hydrants: They’re a classic. Plus, firefighters have big protective gloves.

Big trees: These organism are some of the city’s most resilient and after being exposed to decades of pollution, a little wee ain’t gonna hurt them.

Dog parks: Let it rip. This may be the only place in the city where it’s even acceptable for your dog to pee slightly on another dog.

Free newspaper distribution boxes: As long as it’s below the handle, it’s okay. But it’s not like it matters too much either way, since no one cares about print anymore.

Police barricades: It’s totally acceptable to drench these objects and technically, any police property.

Lamp posts: Peeing on lamp posts is fine, but remember, an electrical current is housed inside, so proceed with caution.

Sign posts: They can handle anything.

Buildings: There are certain buildings that should never be peed upon (see below), but for the most part, some pee on the side of a building is fine. Just be sure to avoid entrances and exits and other places where else humans must walk through.

dont pee dogCANNOT PISS ON:

Public trash bags/cans: As the Times noted, someone has to pick up the trash and there’s no reason pet owners should make it smellier and heavier. By default, the same rule should apply to trash bins.

Saplings: Can a tree live? As it is, it’s being bombarded with toxins, and your dog’s piss isn’t helping any. Unless you’re planning on properly dilluting Scruffy’s fresh urine, keep that pee away.

Flower beds: See above. Asshole.

People’s stoops: Is an explanation really necessary? Steer your dogs away from where humans will sit their asses.

Benches or chairs or street furniture in pedestrian plazas:  Again, anywhere humans congregate is off limits.

Bikes or bike racks: There’s no reason someone’s bike should be covered in your dog’s piss or should it smell like piss in any way.

Traffic cones: Workers have to move these all the time and dumb kids sometimes pick them up and use them as megaphones.

Bus stops or subway entrances: These areas are too highly trafficked to be smelling even worse than they already do.

Churches/synagogues/mosques: Houses of worship are already full of shit.