Guardians of Punxsutawney Phil Tout Immortal Mascot, Mock NYC’s Amateur Groundhog Game

September 26, 2014 | Rhett Jones

As ANIMAL pointed out yesterday, it’s very possible that our distinguished mayor, Bill de Blasio committed rodenticide when he dropped New York City’s official groundhog, Chuck, on Groundhog’s Day. The story became even more sinister after it was revealed that the Staten Island Zoo had actually used an imposter groundhog, Chuck’s girlfriend Charlotte, because Chuck bit then mayor, Mike Bloomberg back in 2009.

The Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club (PCG) are the official stewards of Groundhog’s Day. They are the guardians of Punxsutawney Phil, the world’s most trusted psychic groundhog, who may or may not be a member of the Illuminati. ANIMAL reached out to the PCG for a comment on the tragic and disillusioning situation here in New York. As groundhog lovers and consummate professionals they offered NYC some comforting words:

“While, the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club has not officially confirmed the rumored death of Staten Island Chuck, in the event that it is a factual report, the Inner Circle on behalf of Punxsutawney Phil would like to offer their sincerest condolences.”

For their part the PCG doesn’t go around handing Phil over to just any ol’ person:

“The Punxsutawney Groundhog Club has two gentleman that are designated as the handlers. They are the only ones that are able to do so. They spend a lot of time with Phil to gain his trust and to have him be comfortable with them. The handlers understand that Phil is still a wild animal. They are prepared to handle him safely.”

When we pressed to know if they have ever used a stand-in for Phil, their response was nothing short of incredible:

“The Punxsutawney Groundhog Club has never used a stand-in for Phil. There is only and has only ever been one Punxsutawney Phil. He is over 128 years old. Each September he is given the Elixir of Life which extends his life and longevity by 7 years with each sip.”

There you have it people. We may think we have it all in New York, but we do not have a magical groundhog who rolls deep with a well dressed entourage.