London’s Sewers Have the Highest Level of Cocaine, So New York Needs To Get Flushin’

June 4, 2015 | Liam Mathews

A study by the European Monitoring Centre for Drugs and Drug Addiction studied drug levels in wastewater in 50 European cities, the Guardian reports. They found that London’s sewage has the highest concentration of cocaine, at a daily average of 737 milligrams per 1,000 people in 2014. Amsterdam had the second highest concentration, and outstripped London’s concentration on weekends. London had the 4th highest concentration of ecstasy, and tested negative for cannabis and amphetamines.

Obviously, this study of European cities does not include New York, but London is New York’s chief rival as the global alpha city. New York and London are neck-and-neck on lists of the most expensive places to live. If New York is going to compete for luxury supremacy, we have to make sure our concentration of the caviar of drugs in sewer water is higher, because that will prove that we can afford more cocaine. This means we have to start flushing our drugs in massive quantities. Snort it if you got it, but by the time you excrete the coke it’s gonna be diluted. So the best option is to dump the baggie directly into the toilet. I’ll be damned if these blood sausage-munching wankers are going to have more cocaine sewage than New York City.

(Photo: Lorenzo G)