A large swath of the eastern seaboard is expected to get pounded by snow for the next two days, including the only place that matters, New York City. Although weather like this typically happens almost every winter and tends to be way worse in other parts of the country, it becomes exponentially more of a news story when its New Yorkers who are the ones digging themselves out. But first you must survive. By now, you’ve read several tips, largely unhelpful. Here are the ones that you really need:

1) Buy boots. This seemingly simple, but often overlooked accessory is a key for winter survival. I recommend Smith’s. They’re relatively cheap and make not make you look cool, but will keep your feet warm. Also, a note to men: don’t tuck your pants into said boots unless you’re a trained fashion guru and even then, be careful. Lastly, if you wear Converse, you will die.

2) Have a white friend handy. For the most part, they’re built for this weather and at very least, have snowboard gear sitting in a closet somewhere, making them great for picking up beer and soup or checking on a friend.

3) Don’t dress like a dirtbag in blizzard like conditions. As cool as that leather jacket is, it’s one of the worst choices in snowy conditions. Splurge and buy a jacket with at least one layer of Gore-Tex.

4) If there’s a bodega on your block, no need to stock up on water and nonperishable items like the world is ending. Just periodically head down every few hours, there will be plenty of Mike and Ikes and other essentials.

5) Call your drug dealer now. The snow is expected to get heavier as the day progresses, so no need to procrastinate, because chances are everyone else will, and you’ll be sitting at home with no meaning mind-altering substances. There’s no need to put yourself at risk.

6) Keep your runny nose drips to a minimum. You don’t want to walk around like a snot kangaroo with a hoodie pocket full of damp tissues. It’s not a good look.

7) Most importantly, remember that New York is a modern city and there’s really no need to panic. Virtually anything can be bought, haggled, and obtained, even if the whole system shuts down.

(Image: NASA)