Three Celebrities I Would Eat, Now That We Eat Test-Tube Beef

August 5, 2013 | Marina Galperina

This morning in london, the first burger made from “Cultured Beef” was cooked and eaten by Chicago author Josh Schonwald and Austrian food researcher Hanni Rützler.

Grown in a petri-dish using real flesh cells harvested from a cow and a “nutrient solution” of amino acids, minerals, sugars and fats, the in-vitro beef was pan-fried and burgered, laying the groundwork for ending “the impending food crisis and satisfy the world’s growing demand for meat without destroying the environment or harming animals,” Business Insider reports.

The verdict? “The texture of the meat is there, but the flavor is missing,” Schonwald says. Grayish (because there are no blood cells) and flavorless (because there are no fat cells), 20,000 lab-grown strands of meat underwhelmed the exclusive taster crowd, but have no fear! Inventor Mark Post says it will take “10-20 years” until in-vitro beef makes it to the supermarkets. Meanwhile…

There’s probably a little side market, as imagined by David Cronenberg’s heir Brandon Cronenberg in Antiviral. (Have you seen it? It is really, really good.) In this alternate-near-future dystopian epic, commercial companies peddle DNA replicas of celebrities diseases (so you can really get close to your idols) and fine restaurants serve slabs of steak grown from cultured celebrity stem cells (so you can really, really get close to your idols.)

What a clever idea for a sci-fi construct, I thought then, but NOW THAT IT IS REAL, I would personally like to eat [the in-vitro stem-cell-grown and/or cloned flesh cells of] the following celebrities.

Marina Abramović

There is no better way to culminate years of my admiration for Marina, of endless writing about and physically accosting this performance artist-turned-celebrity than eating her stem cells.

There will be no seasoning. Although Marina Abramović deserves only the best culinary treatment, there will be no little slithers of cured baby beets, no flourishes of fennel and certainly, no sides of fries.

A single, simple square of Cultured Abramović will be served on a pristine white ceramic dish.

I will eat her consciously. I will close my eyes. Feel the coldness of the plate. Breathe deeply and relax my body… To read about the rest of this Exercise, please donate to my Kickstarter (To be announced).

Neil deGrasse Tyson

If folklore serves me right, when I eat Neil deGrasse Tyson stem cell brain purée absorb his knowledge of physics and astronomy. It will be like that scene in The Matrix, only instead of a jack in the back of my skull slurping up codes of jujitsu maneuvers, I will acquire a vast and comprehensive understanding of the universe and whatever that special Tyson ingredient is that keeps it from crushing his soul into a hollow chasm of existential despair and cosmically-proportioned loneliness.

Mila Kunis

Because I fell asleep watching That 70s Show on Netflix last night and had dreams, man.