Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)

Jarmusch made a vampire ☆*:.。. o☆*・゜゚・ movie ・゜゚・*☆o .。.:*☆   so he can relish immortal-like in each spinning overhead shot, immaculate hoarder sets, blissfully druggy ceremonial blood drinking scenes, the aching swell of SQÜRL and Josef Van Wissem’s music, waxing monologues about culture, and like this really good long relationship ♥。.

JIM JARMUSCHNESS: 2.5 out of 5.0

Jarmuschness is highly concentrated, so this was a perfect amount of Jarmuschness for genre movie. Now please give this man more money. Do one about aliens. No, end of the world! End of the world!

VAMPYRE MYTHOLOGY: 4.5 out of 5.0
    
Jarmush totally made up that glove thing. But some old Mexican horror film made up that fang thing. And you are all blessed with this Jarmuschy myth of polite modern vampires not eating you, hiding forever, ghost-writing and ghost-composing (´△`)♪ and contemplating complicated suicide and no the movie isn’t slow YOU”RE SLOW

APPLICABLE LIFE LESSON: 3.5 out of 5.0
   
“Millennials” and younger sisters suck even if they’re like hundreds of years old really. And when the assholes come for you, leave everything behind and run. But you may or may not have time to get new shit.

PS psttt A.O. Scott wtf did u watch the movie out through a crack in your butt hole and missed Hiddleston-vampire’s lovingly assembled centuries worth of music and surveillance tech running off that futuristic Tesla engine in the backyard and now think that vampires are 1. actually Jarmusch 2. actual Jarmusch being “conservative” LOL WUT

PS. Jim Jarmusch wants me to tell you that yes, he realizes his portrayal of Detroit was reductive.

(Graphics: Michael WeinfeldMore: All Minimalist Film Reviews)