After a month of FIFA festivities, the 2014 World Cup soccer championship finally ended with the German team kicking a ball into the big ground basket. And now, to savor the tail-end of those sweet, sweet World Cup metrics, here’s a list of the most important things that happened on the internet, by the internet, for the internet.
TIM HOWARD SAVED
USA’s Tim Howard set the record of 16 saves in a World Cup. Which is a lot! Subsequently, his Wikipedia entry was edited to crown him the Secretary of Defense of the United States, #InTimHowardWeTrust was trending and he was Photoshopped saving things like this.
ONE DUDE KEPT BITING PEOPLE
Uruguay’s Luis Suárez has some problems.
ONE DUDE’S JUNK FLOPPED
Ghana’s Jordan Ayew has a penis.
MEXICO’S COACH GOT VERY EXCITED
Very exciting.
SOCCER PLAYERS FOLDED THEIR ARMS
It was amusing.
YOUNG BRAZILIANS GET FUCKED BY ENTIRE GERMAN SOCCER TEAM
At least one of member of our editorial staff would have never seen any World Cup footage, had the internet not started uploading highlights of Germany’s 7-1 defeat of Brazil to Pornhub under misleading titles, damn it. Pornhub, ever-skilled at outreach, tweeted “Please stop uploading the game highlights to Pornhub… Our public humiliation category is full.”
NORTH KOREA GOT INTO THE WORLD CUP FINALS,
SAYS NORTH KOREAN NEWS
A North Korean state-run news broadcast informed its people that the North Korean team has advanced to the finals and will play Portugal in the playoffs that they failed to qualify for, fail.
PETRA CORTRIGHT LIVE-TWEETED THE WORLD CUP
New media artist Petra Cortright tweeted all through World Cup and everyone freaked out because it somehow didn’t correlate with whatever they assumed Petra Cortright would and wouldn’t do.
MARINA ABRAMOVIĆ’S MADE AN ADIDAS COMERCIAL
Ha!
FOX NEWS SAID CRAZY FOX NEWS SHIT
An Coulter blamed immigrants for “the moral decay of America” due to the popularity of World Cup in America and then verbally emasculated her “liberal critics” and their “hissy fits” because that’s what real “macho” means if you’re a crazy fucking idiot. Also, the World Cup is a big convenient Obama conspiracy to legalize weed because grass, weed, Obama, get it? And then idiots argued with other idiots and fuck this shit already.
POLICE BEAT UP A LOT OF WORLD CUP PROTESTORS
But no one cared because they didn’t have a soccer ball.
LIFE WENT ON
Business as usual.
